The double empathy problem

Greg Wyatt • June 11, 2026

I realised I had observed Double Empathy problem in recruitment as early as 2006.


It was at the time a candidate was offered a role, and the (fortunately overcome) issue of her start date came up.


She told me she had said to them at interview “I won’t be able to start any sooner than three months notice, due to managing a site closure”.


Somehow they heard “I can start in a month”.


They were both adamant they were right.


We agreed that what Julie meant to say, what she said, and what they heard, were all slightly different.

Perception and intent.


It’s fundamentally true that what an employer and a candidate want from a recruitment process is different, even though the outcome they want is often similar.


How they intersect was defined in a very different arena, yet has application in many walks of life.


Around 2016, I learnt about the Double Empathy problem.


This is a term proposed by Damian Milton to explain that autistic people don’t lack empathy. It’s more that they experience the world and express their emotions differently to non-autistic people.


The theory of the double empathy problem suggests that when people with very different experiences of the world interact with one another, they will struggle to empathise with each other. This is likely to be exacerbated through differences in language use and comprehension.


You may be aware that ND people often mask their personality to fit in with an NT world.


Speaking to an autistic friend about this we speculated that masking is about understanding the rules of engagement in society, unconsciously breaking these down into principles and applying them contextually to a given situation.


Can you imagine how tiring that is?


I didn’t really think of it again until a couple of years later.


Around the time my eldest daughter started secondary school, she went from being a child to someone who wanted to find her own personality and interests, while separating herself from what she felt was the child she used to be.


Of course, this wasn’t something I noticed, so stuck in the trenches was I in parenthood. It was something I read in the marvellous book Untangled by Lisa Damour.


If you have daughters, I strongly recommend it. I also recommend it to people interested in leadership and in recruitment - because of how it's inspired me to look at what I do differently.


In reading various chapters for the umpteenth time, I realised it describes the Double Empathy Problem without using those words.


My experiences and hers were so different that when we spoke we had two completely different conversations, different experiences of the same instance, with different reactions.


Perception and intent.


As my mind often does, it wondered into different rabbit holes of double empathy.


“We had it much tougher in my day” “Music these days is rubbish”


Or indeed anywhere that has an ism, from the direct discrimination to unrecognised bias - for example, when you see photos of 'a diverse team', have you noticed few have grey hair?


I’m sure if you’ve regularly interviewed you’ll have noted that the person who gets the job is often the one who interviewed best, not necessarily the best candidate.


It’s because they’ve learnt the rules of the game and given their audience what they think they need.


This is one reason ‘job search coaching’ is such a simple career to develop.


Once you’ve learnt the rules of the game, you can teach others the same.


And the one skill most job seekers haven’t learnt, when they start a job search, is how to look for work.


However a good job search coach is rare, and many rely instead on the sales of hope and fear.


But of course, there’s another side to this, which is that job seekers who haven’t learnt the rules of the game may encounter worse examples of the double empathy problem than others.


Their candidacy is stuck in their head, with insufficient skill to interpret it with meaning.


Not just at interview, but in their CV, in their requirements, and even in which jobs they think they should be applying for.


This is an opportunity in recruitment when we can see that good candidates are hidden by how they’ve expressed themselves.


This means the onus should be on us to create an experience that enables them to show us how they can fulfil our needs.


This, for me, lies at the heart of what good candidate experience is.


Employers suffer from their own double empathy problem.


Replace what I’ve said about candidates with job descriptions, adverts and every touchpoint in recruitment.


Typically it’s about the employer and their needs, unable to articulate with the meaning ideal candidates need. Inside out.


When the opportunity to solve double empathy lies in starting with the experience candidates need. Outside in.


Double empathy is a neurologically built-in issue that can be harmful for autistic people.


As opposed to how it presents systemically in recruitment.


Another reason why process is the opportunity for improvement, rather than just technology.


I find this a fascinating topic to discuss, and I hope this doesn’t do injustice to people who genuinely suffer from a society built against them.


If you disagree with anything I’ve said, I’d love to hear from you. Perhaps we can both learn something.


Thanks for reading.


Regards,

Greg

p.s. Outside of diving into rabbit holes that might improve how we recruit, I also recruit - drop me a line if you're a UK employer and these articles strike a chord. I can help with key hires, fractional talent acquisition and projects you don't have capacity for.


By Greg Wyatt August 18, 2026
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By Greg Wyatt August 11, 2026
What follows is Chapter 49 in A Career Breakdown Kit (Summer 2026) . It's like many other chapters in that I've tried to make it stand alone, yet it's deeply connected to the rest of the book. For example, if you accept your job search is equivalent to launching a product to market - where you are the product and your next employer the buyer - then a sensible strategy is also equivalent. You execute an appropriate multichannel sales and marketing plan, where you focus on the steps in your control, with considered action and follow up. An interview process is an ongoing negotiation, with each interview equivalent to a consultative sales meeting. And like any good sales professional, you know that the steps preceding, the steps in-between, and the steps after all have a part to play. In my last three offers these have all been contributing factors: The relationship nurtured by the hiring manager led to their new employee hitting the ground running The private information withheld by the candidate that led to an offer rescinded because she could never have fulfilled the role in the first place The enthusiasm shown by a candidate in post interview communications tipped a decision in their favour Recruitment is risk, filled with bias - that doesn't mean you can't make that work for you. 49 - After the interview In a tough job search, getting to an interview can feel a real achievement. If you’ve been accountable in your applications, only going for roles where you are a strong fit, these are tangible opportunities to secure employment. The interview itself isn’t the be-all and end-all. It’s better to see them as the start of a conversation, one that’s only complete when you either have an acceptable employment contract in your hand, or if it’s an unequivocal no. Continuing this conversation in the right way, and in ways other candidates may not think to, can bring hoped for and unexpected gains. A few weeks back I filled a vacancy which had a strong shortlist. The final three were all employable, and the company would have taken all three had they been able to. The second choice candidate was disappointed and took it well, responding professionally. I worked hard to give all three a good experience with regular updates and constructive feedback. I too was genuinely disappointed for the ‘unsuccessful’ candidates. Two weeks after accepting the offer and returning the signed contract, the first-choice candidate withdrew. She’d received a significantly improved offer having been headhunted. Within two hours of passing the news on to the hiring team, the 2nd choice candidate was offered the role and accepted. How she had responded to her initial disappointment was a key element in this offer being put forward. The same was true of her experience with us in her decision to accept the offer. In many ways an interview is like a sales meeting. One party pitches their offering which might be customised against the questions asked. The other party makes a decision on whether and how to proceed. In an interview both the candidate and employer act as both seller and buyer. As a job seeker you get the final say on whether you say yes, no or something in between. Your decision is influenced by factors you may not divulge to the employer, such as an unexpected intervention (illness, accident, family), personal circumstances or other offers that may come up. It’s the same for the employer. They may have a hierarchy of decision-making, changes in the business and changes outside of the business - many things that can influence an interview decision or time frame, different from what was initially agreed. In sales we know that a deal isn’t agreed upon until the invoice is paid. Even if there is an initial ‘yes’ in a meeting we follow up suitably. Follow-up email to confirm details of the conversation and next steps. Thank you for your time Follow up at the appropriate time to check progress If it’s ‘no right now’, follow up over time to build a relationship until they are ready to buy If it’s ‘no answer’, find appropriate reasons to follow up, ending in a breakup email What this actually looks relates to what their sales (hiring) process is, playing to their rules and breaking those same rules in an appropriate way. In the UK, 61% of private sector employers are SMEs, whereas the vast majority of money is in the corporate space. The differentiator in recruitment is that the more corporate you get, the more transactional and matrix-led recruitment often becomes. Some of the rules of the game will be different. This illustrates how and why things are different depending on the context. Public sector, charities, geography, bias, habit, strategy - these all affect the rules of what appear similar processes from the outside. It’s important not to be cynical or come across as coercive. Respect the process and any rules you learn about. Thank you notes Most of the employers I partner with are interested in candidate feedback and interest post-interview - to help them reach their decision for the right reason. Were you applying directly, their interest in your view would be the same. A naturally written thank you note sent appropriately should not work against you. It might work for you and it’s a situation where someone’s bias can be a benefit. ‘Dear Greg, I wanted to thank you for your time today and the opportunity to interview at ABC Corp. It was a pleasure to meet you and Gary and helpful to understand more about your role and environment. I remain keen and would be delighted to return for the next stage. You mentioned you’ll make a decision by the end of next week and I look forward to hearing from you. Do let me know if I can help with anything - my number is …. Kind regards,’ It’s an opportunity to build on or mitigate inconclusive points in an interview if there’s an example you neglected to share or if you didn’t convey information in the right way. Maybe they let slip they’d be concerned if the role would keep your interest in the long term - why not own this? ‘During the interview you asked if I could see myself in this role long-term. It’s a role I’d enjoy - taking on a hands-on role I can get stuck into is an exciting challenge, while my experience in xxx would be beneficial for yyy.’ Keep it more succinct than my email though. Write it in your own words in a similar tone to how you came across in the interview. Will it make a difference? Only marginally, in some situations. Is it worth doing as a natural way to continue the conversation? I think so. Don’t be disheartened if you don’t get a reply - they may have a policy to follow. And to that coercive point above don’t say ‘I’m the best candidate. You’d be a fool to miss out,’ or something more subtle that might suggest the same. Additional interviews In an ideal world you’d get a full view of the interview process before the interview. Unfortunately some employers enjoy playing a game of interview chicken, revealing more and more interview stages as you go through them. Most are somewhere in between. Try to establish the full process as early as possible in case there is anything that is non-negotiable for you. For example, I know some people categorically do not want to do technical tests or ‘business plan’ style presentations, having had their fingers burnt in the past. It’s your choice what might be a non-negotiable - for any reasonable employer these are typically used as a means for fair assessment. Treat any interview in the same way as the first interview: prepare as fully as possible and assume nothing. Unless you know their hierarchy of decision-making, that new person you meet at fourth stage for an informal chat might well be the person with the final say. Even a social get-together after an offer is put forward might be seen as an assessment. Appropriate follow-ups It’s a careful balance. You want to show you are interested, not desperate. You need an answer, not to be inappropriately intrusive - even if that’s not your intent perception holds weight. Following up in the right way is a good tactic. If you can gain an understanding of their time frames or process work to that. Anything and everything can happen behind the scenes, including unexpected absences. Things can slip in a way employers may not see as notable. A few work days after you were expecting to hear, drop them a polite line. ‘Hi Greg, I wondered if you had any news on how you want to proceed with this role. Is there any update you can share? Kind regards,’ You can play a bit of keeping up with the Joneses if it’s true - ‘I remain interested - I do have two interviews this week with other employers. Would you like me to keep you updated?’ Sometimes no news is no news and you might need to be patient. Eventually you may come to a point where you need a decision from them - such as if your 2nd choice company gives you a job offer. A breakup email can be a good thing. Even if this doesn’t prompt an update or decision from them, you give yourself agency to walk away with no ‘what ifs?’ And if they do come back later, you can make a separate decision on whether to revisit them. One such email might be: ‘Hi Greg, I enjoyed our interview on May 21st. You mentioned you’d reach a decision the following week. Can I assume you have moved forward with another candidate? I’ll draw a line through my application for now and will be happy to pick up our conversations at a later date, if appropriate. Kind regards,’ Written appropriately, there are three outcomes: You get a reply confirming they have appointed You get no reply and can move on You get a reply with more information That last point may be ‘no news’ or something actionable. Sometimes it might even prompt good news. Whatever the outcome, you can move forward. Keeping in touch long-term Sometimes a no might be a ‘no for now’, especially when you are later on in the process, such as being pipped to the post at final interview. If yours is a business as usual role where there are a number of employees fulfilling similar duties in the same company, you may well be suitable for other roles that come up in future. How can you keep in touch appropriately so that you help their decision making when another vacancy comes up? Find reasons to occasionally keep in touch (maybe once every couple of months). If they are active on LinkedIn you could follow their content and add constructive comments. It may come to nothing but it may give you early sight of a new vacancy. If you see another vacancy advertised check it out. Drop them a line directly rather than just apply given you are continuing a conversation rather than coming in cold. And if they reply to say ‘don’t bother’, at least you know.