The double empathy opportunity

Greg Wyatt • June 25, 2026

“Imagine you’ve had a hard day driving to clients. Your car broke down. Your phone isn’t working. You’re knackered from lack of sleep. And you come home to your wife, asleep on the sofa, with a plate of chocolate cake and a glass of red wine next to her.


How do you react?”


That was the scenario given to us by our ante-natal instructor after she’d separated us from our other halves. Babies due three months later.


We were given 5 minutes to discuss, followed by a group debrief.


“It’s a trap!” I ackbared to my peers.


I’d sussed out that she would be giving the mums the opposite scenario, which turned out to be the classic, old-fashioned, example of new mum baby chaos, utter fatigue, and an angry husband swanning in after a fun day with the adults.


But we played the game and acknowledged that our likely reactions would be one of mutual frustration, tiredness and anger at our other halves.


When in reality, we should be on the same team, with empathy for the other’s experiences.


Of course, the baby will be the same for us both, but our experiences of it differ.


Dad experience and Mum experience.


With the added fun of Friend experience, months later, unable to comprehend how we could declare our love of being parents, while complaining about every moment of being parents.


Experience that would later evolve into their own parenthood, and the apology of ‘now we know exactly what you’re talking about.’


Their disbelief of my excuses turned into insight into their own challenges, from exactly the same words.


It’s funny isn’t it, that the only thing we actually know of the world is our experience of it.


Everything else we take on faith.


So to understand the experiences of others it’s helpful to categorise.


  • Candidate experience
  • Employee experience
  • Employer experience


These aren’t nice to have, they are a categorisation of how each live the vacancy.


I expect this is why ‘lived experience’ has been a popular term in recent years, although it was coined by Simone De Beauvoir in her treatise on second-wave feminism in 1969.


It’s a category definition to show that unless you’ve lived in their shoes, you can’t understand their position.


The double empathy problem.


I don’t use the phrase ‘lived experience’ personally, and I think it can be used in a way that makes it impossible to argue against a strong opinion, but as a category of experience, it’s valuable.


Especially in the wonky world of out-of-date ‘facts’ used to tackle modern problems.


With every problem comes the opportunity to find a solution.


If the vacancy is the baby, and the candidate and employer are the parents - how can we look at the experiences of one to improve the experiences of the other?


For me, it comes back to my Ackbar moment. While the NCT teacher was talking about one thing, the meaning I took from it was the other.


How can I understand mum’s experience, and improve my behaviours and attitudes, in service of child wrangling?


With the added benefit of lower risk of a grumpy mum?


How can we understand candidate experience, and improve our behaviours and attitudes, in service of the vacancy?


With lower risk of an unfulfilled employer?


It’s true and fair to say that most people in a recruitment process work to their own needs.


At the same time, many people complain about recruitment.


Whether it’s a lack of candidates, ghosting, recruiter behaviour, employers changing their minds on whim, or anything else.


These are complaints you’ll hear from candidates, employers and recruiters - hop on LinkedIn for five minutes and tell me I’m wrong.


But in all of these complaints, there’s little recognition for the why of it.


In shocking news, recruiters aren’t evil people - it’s the system that precipitates the behaviours.


In even more shocking news, recruitment isn’t broken. It does what it says on the tin, in service of its users’ needs.


It’s just that it’s the wrong users.


And because it’s the wrong users, the right users suffer, and the intended users may experience poor outcomes.


An ATS should be designed for the candidate, not the employer, to maximise the employer’s experience.


Try out your own ATS, in the shoes of the candidate. How shite is it?


An advert should be designed for the candidate, not the employer, for exactly the same reasons.


Adverts are effective if you point them in the right direction.


Double empathy exists in recruitment, in a tri-fold way.


  • Candidate-recruiter
  • Candidate-employer
  • Employer-recruiter


And if you can’t communicate in a way that caters to the individual needs of the other party, that communication error only becomes worse when you involve a third.


This is why the principles of an outside-in approach to recruitment can be effective, particularly for problem vacancies and key hires.


When vacancies matter most, why wouldn’t you put your best foot forward to try and fill them?


Working outside-in, with empathy for the experiences candidates have had that may inform their decisions.


With empathy for the experience they will have of your hiring process.


With empathy for the experience that will most likely lead to them accepting an offer.


And with empathy that what you experience of them isn’t the full story.


That’s the opportunity of recognising double empathy for what it is brings.


Which for me is filling difficult vacancies more straightforwardly.


Thanks for reading.

Regards,

Greg

p.s. I've picked up a couple of projects this week, though I've capacity for a third vacancy and to onboard a fractional client. DM me if you'd like to have a virtual Frappuccino.


By Greg Wyatt August 18, 2026
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By Greg Wyatt August 11, 2026
What follows is Chapter 49 in A Career Breakdown Kit (Summer 2026) . It's like many other chapters in that I've tried to make it stand alone, yet it's deeply connected to the rest of the book. For example, if you accept your job search is equivalent to launching a product to market - where you are the product and your next employer the buyer - then a sensible strategy is also equivalent. You execute an appropriate multichannel sales and marketing plan, where you focus on the steps in your control, with considered action and follow up. An interview process is an ongoing negotiation, with each interview equivalent to a consultative sales meeting. And like any good sales professional, you know that the steps preceding, the steps in-between, and the steps after all have a part to play. In my last three offers these have all been contributing factors: The relationship nurtured by the hiring manager led to their new employee hitting the ground running The private information withheld by the candidate that led to an offer rescinded because she could never have fulfilled the role in the first place The enthusiasm shown by a candidate in post interview communications tipped a decision in their favour Recruitment is risk, filled with bias - that doesn't mean you can't make that work for you. 49 - After the interview In a tough job search, getting to an interview can feel a real achievement. If you’ve been accountable in your applications, only going for roles where you are a strong fit, these are tangible opportunities to secure employment. The interview itself isn’t the be-all and end-all. It’s better to see them as the start of a conversation, one that’s only complete when you either have an acceptable employment contract in your hand, or if it’s an unequivocal no. Continuing this conversation in the right way, and in ways other candidates may not think to, can bring hoped for and unexpected gains. A few weeks back I filled a vacancy which had a strong shortlist. The final three were all employable, and the company would have taken all three had they been able to. The second choice candidate was disappointed and took it well, responding professionally. I worked hard to give all three a good experience with regular updates and constructive feedback. I too was genuinely disappointed for the ‘unsuccessful’ candidates. Two weeks after accepting the offer and returning the signed contract, the first-choice candidate withdrew. She’d received a significantly improved offer having been headhunted. Within two hours of passing the news on to the hiring team, the 2nd choice candidate was offered the role and accepted. How she had responded to her initial disappointment was a key element in this offer being put forward. The same was true of her experience with us in her decision to accept the offer. In many ways an interview is like a sales meeting. One party pitches their offering which might be customised against the questions asked. The other party makes a decision on whether and how to proceed. In an interview both the candidate and employer act as both seller and buyer. As a job seeker you get the final say on whether you say yes, no or something in between. Your decision is influenced by factors you may not divulge to the employer, such as an unexpected intervention (illness, accident, family), personal circumstances or other offers that may come up. It’s the same for the employer. They may have a hierarchy of decision-making, changes in the business and changes outside of the business - many things that can influence an interview decision or time frame, different from what was initially agreed. In sales we know that a deal isn’t agreed upon until the invoice is paid. Even if there is an initial ‘yes’ in a meeting we follow up suitably. Follow-up email to confirm details of the conversation and next steps. Thank you for your time Follow up at the appropriate time to check progress If it’s ‘no right now’, follow up over time to build a relationship until they are ready to buy If it’s ‘no answer’, find appropriate reasons to follow up, ending in a breakup email What this actually looks relates to what their sales (hiring) process is, playing to their rules and breaking those same rules in an appropriate way. In the UK, 61% of private sector employers are SMEs, whereas the vast majority of money is in the corporate space. The differentiator in recruitment is that the more corporate you get, the more transactional and matrix-led recruitment often becomes. Some of the rules of the game will be different. This illustrates how and why things are different depending on the context. Public sector, charities, geography, bias, habit, strategy - these all affect the rules of what appear similar processes from the outside. It’s important not to be cynical or come across as coercive. Respect the process and any rules you learn about. Thank you notes Most of the employers I partner with are interested in candidate feedback and interest post-interview - to help them reach their decision for the right reason. Were you applying directly, their interest in your view would be the same. A naturally written thank you note sent appropriately should not work against you. It might work for you and it’s a situation where someone’s bias can be a benefit. ‘Dear Greg, I wanted to thank you for your time today and the opportunity to interview at ABC Corp. It was a pleasure to meet you and Gary and helpful to understand more about your role and environment. I remain keen and would be delighted to return for the next stage. You mentioned you’ll make a decision by the end of next week and I look forward to hearing from you. Do let me know if I can help with anything - my number is …. Kind regards,’ It’s an opportunity to build on or mitigate inconclusive points in an interview if there’s an example you neglected to share or if you didn’t convey information in the right way. Maybe they let slip they’d be concerned if the role would keep your interest in the long term - why not own this? ‘During the interview you asked if I could see myself in this role long-term. It’s a role I’d enjoy - taking on a hands-on role I can get stuck into is an exciting challenge, while my experience in xxx would be beneficial for yyy.’ Keep it more succinct than my email though. Write it in your own words in a similar tone to how you came across in the interview. Will it make a difference? Only marginally, in some situations. Is it worth doing as a natural way to continue the conversation? I think so. Don’t be disheartened if you don’t get a reply - they may have a policy to follow. And to that coercive point above don’t say ‘I’m the best candidate. You’d be a fool to miss out,’ or something more subtle that might suggest the same. Additional interviews In an ideal world you’d get a full view of the interview process before the interview. Unfortunately some employers enjoy playing a game of interview chicken, revealing more and more interview stages as you go through them. Most are somewhere in between. Try to establish the full process as early as possible in case there is anything that is non-negotiable for you. For example, I know some people categorically do not want to do technical tests or ‘business plan’ style presentations, having had their fingers burnt in the past. It’s your choice what might be a non-negotiable - for any reasonable employer these are typically used as a means for fair assessment. Treat any interview in the same way as the first interview: prepare as fully as possible and assume nothing. Unless you know their hierarchy of decision-making, that new person you meet at fourth stage for an informal chat might well be the person with the final say. Even a social get-together after an offer is put forward might be seen as an assessment. Appropriate follow-ups It’s a careful balance. You want to show you are interested, not desperate. You need an answer, not to be inappropriately intrusive - even if that’s not your intent perception holds weight. Following up in the right way is a good tactic. If you can gain an understanding of their time frames or process work to that. Anything and everything can happen behind the scenes, including unexpected absences. Things can slip in a way employers may not see as notable. A few work days after you were expecting to hear, drop them a polite line. ‘Hi Greg, I wondered if you had any news on how you want to proceed with this role. Is there any update you can share? Kind regards,’ You can play a bit of keeping up with the Joneses if it’s true - ‘I remain interested - I do have two interviews this week with other employers. Would you like me to keep you updated?’ Sometimes no news is no news and you might need to be patient. Eventually you may come to a point where you need a decision from them - such as if your 2nd choice company gives you a job offer. A breakup email can be a good thing. Even if this doesn’t prompt an update or decision from them, you give yourself agency to walk away with no ‘what ifs?’ And if they do come back later, you can make a separate decision on whether to revisit them. One such email might be: ‘Hi Greg, I enjoyed our interview on May 21st. You mentioned you’d reach a decision the following week. Can I assume you have moved forward with another candidate? I’ll draw a line through my application for now and will be happy to pick up our conversations at a later date, if appropriate. Kind regards,’ Written appropriately, there are three outcomes: You get a reply confirming they have appointed You get no reply and can move on You get a reply with more information That last point may be ‘no news’ or something actionable. Sometimes it might even prompt good news. Whatever the outcome, you can move forward. Keeping in touch long-term Sometimes a no might be a ‘no for now’, especially when you are later on in the process, such as being pipped to the post at final interview. If yours is a business as usual role where there are a number of employees fulfilling similar duties in the same company, you may well be suitable for other roles that come up in future. How can you keep in touch appropriately so that you help their decision making when another vacancy comes up? Find reasons to occasionally keep in touch (maybe once every couple of months). If they are active on LinkedIn you could follow their content and add constructive comments. It may come to nothing but it may give you early sight of a new vacancy. If you see another vacancy advertised check it out. Drop them a line directly rather than just apply given you are continuing a conversation rather than coming in cold. And if they reply to say ‘don’t bother’, at least you know.